Tired? Women and Fatigue, part 5
Jul 14th, 2006 by willa
The next part of Women and Fatigue rather disappointed me. It was about fatigue stemming from emotional conflict and difficulties, so I was thinking that it would get to the “heart” of the matter. But instead it turned out to be a bit of a manifesto for feminism and a rant against our patriarchal system that ranks women as inferiors and forces them into a sort of ghetto where relationships and certain “feminine” standards are the measure of the woman’s self-respect.
This just does not ring with my life experience at all and so it was rather puzzling and unsatisfying to read. For instance, I didn’t have a background of being pushed into a “wife and mom” role — in fact, rather the opposite. I could see little grains of truth here and there. For instance, it rang true that it’s sometimes more difficult to feel validated by work that our society doesn’t validate (ie mothering and house management) and that can’t be easily measured in terms of money or prestige or concrete output. So I can see that this could lead to an energy drain which needs to be thoughtfully dealt with. But the book seemed to go further and say that this is a sign that this kind of work actually IS more marginal than a paid career. It argued that women in paid careers are happier and less fatigued than women who stay at home (which was questionable, to me, but if it were true it could be simply because it is counter-cultural). At the same time, the book also made the case that many women are forced to work. The effect was a bit patchy logically; it made me feel that the author was a bit wrapped up in a particular agenda because she seemed to be proclaiming the rueful necessity and desireability of a career in spite of and in cure of chronic fatigue.
The whole subject of how mothers can balance professional and home lives is a complex one. I personally think the whole idea of parents having to go away from their homes is a relatively new one in history; my husband and I both work at home though he is the primary breadwinner — we’ve allowed an income drop for the sake of this, because it’s a priority for us, but obviously others may have different solutions to the problem of making a family life “work” in today’s world). And we do presently exist on one rather meagre income even with seven children, one in college. So it can be done.
Anyway, I don’t doubt that it has an effect on women’s fatigue levels — the fatigue that comes from juggling several roles and often doing more than one’s share of the housework and parenting, and the fatigue that comes from isolation and the constant “on-task” nature of being the stay at home primary caretaker of children. The author says rightly that we are in a period of transition and transition times bring stresses and consequently fatigue. I just think she addressed this in too limited and scattered a fashion.
For this reason there wasn’t that much useful advice in there for me except an awareness that I ought to be aware of the energy losses that can come with ambivalence and/or emotional stress. There was wisdom too in the advice that it’s important for one’s energy level to take control of one’s life — to make conscious, mindful choices rather than feel or be pushed into things because of exterior pressures.
(Further reading: Moonshadow on The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars. The Learning Umbrella also has a review of the Mommy Wars book.)
I’m a feminist and find that kind of argument more than a bit weak. I mean that is kind of what Betty Friedan said in 1963 and I’ve read a lot of feminist stuff about how her analysis was a bit simplistic. I think you hit on something when you talk about the choices you’ve made to live on less money, though. I find it very frustrating when people tell me how they would much rather be doing something else (a different job, staying home with their kids, or whatever) but they can’t afford to. And I look at the kind of neighbourhood they live in, and the car(s) they drive, and all the stuff… and I think, well if you really wanted to do that, you could make it work.
But I think a lot of people find it easier to think that they don’t really have any choice than to take responsibility for the choices that they have made.
I also think that politically we need to get beyond accusing women who have made different choices and start working together to raise the value of mothering and other unpaid work. Because it is the devaluing of that work that prevents us from making any headway on getting a better balance for those who do want to do paid work, and that prevents more men from doing a bigger share of this stuff, etc. But then, I’m not sure there are a lot of feminists around that are making the argument in that way any more. Unfortunately the main stream media like the ones who do and they get a lot of coverage.
>>But I think a lot of people find it easier to think that they don’t really have any choice than to take responsibility for the choices that they have made.>>
I think that’s probably it in a nutshell. Well, I know I often do it myself — blame or complain rather than make conscious choices. I have to watch out for it.
Feeling helpless or trapped zaps my energy, so this was a very solid point in this section of the book for me, even though I think it could be equally true for a work-outside-the-home mom, a stay-at-home mom, or a combination of the two.
As for the feminist aspect, I think the child has to be considered as well. The article you sent me brought that aspect of it out well, which this book didn’t.
The author mentioned a couple of studies to show that children in day-care do as well as children who stay at home. Whether true or not, that is rather irrelevant to me. I want to get to be around my kids as they grow up and don’t think that’s just a “mom” thing — I would think it ought to ideally be a “dad” thing as well, a parent thing. Also, saying that kids “do as well” really raises the question of “by whose standards or by what measurement” — a question that wasn’t answered, not that it’s really required in a book about women’s fatigue, but it is a strong interest of mine, how society perceives children and how that affects how they are raised and educated.
Perhaps if there were more flexible work opportunities for both men and women where children were welcomed and given a part to play — I think that was what John Holt envisioned in his ideal society. But anyway, if that were the case, it might be easier to avoid all the family separations that seem to come with life nowadays in the mainstream. Getting rather far off the subject of fatigue, now, I guess! But lack of strong emotional connections, as the author points out, DOES tend to be an energy reducer, and so does lack of a feeling of meaningfulness in one’s life work.
Good points. And maybe you could consider that meaningfulness thing. You have mentioned several times that you want to do more of your own writing. Starting the group with your older children is a step in the right direction but maybe you should make sure you make time for that. This isn’t to say that being a wife and mother are not meaningful for you but they are very ‘other-directed’. Maybe carving out some small space for a Willa that is more than just those things would make a difference. It doesn’t have to take over your life, just claim a small piece of it.
One thing about mothering is that done well, you do yourself out of a job. This is at once a powerful argument for really spending the time with your kids while they are kids AND an argument for making sure there is something to center your identity once this phase of your life is over. Maybe making a small space for writing now might also be getting used to the idea that that space might grow as your children’s needs change.
But in any case, I think you raise some good points about parenting needing to be more valued (for both women and men) and work and familiy needing to be less separate. I look forward to continuing this rather interesting conversation.